


Weighed and Measured

by j_espere



Series: Rust and Stardust: The Story of Commander Z. Shepard [1]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Destroy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Post-Mass Effect 3
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-06-26
Updated: 2015-11-23
Packaged: 2018-04-06 05:50:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 11,200
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4210389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/j_espere/pseuds/j_espere
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Reaper War is over, but at what cost?<br/>Shepard struggles through life after the war, for as much as things change, they stay exactly the same.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Familiar trees in the emptiness surrounded Shepard. The silence reverberated through the air around her. Shepard felt as though she was moving through water, as hard as she tried to run forward her pace never changed. Out of the corner of her eye she would catch sight of a figure before it would disappear behind a tree.

_Screw that! We can handle ourselves, go back and get Alenko…_

The voices of the dead flooded surrounded, growing louder.

Shimmering ahead of her Ashley, Thane, Mordin, Legion, and hundred of other faces flickered in and out of her vision. If she blinked too hard they’d disappear forever. Shepard reached her hand to the blurry figure closest, who for one moment is Ashley, and in another Thane, for a moment EDI. Grasping onto their arm, a wave of relief came over Shepard, finally, it had come to an end.

_See you at the bar Garrus._

_Shepard_ …the voice came from all directions and the world around Shepard faded away.

 

Everything around Shepard sounded muffled, but underneath that she could hear a pulsing beat coming from every direction.

_There’s nothing here. All clear._

Shepard tried to open her eyes but found her vision blurring and swaying before her. Shepard’s eyes fell shut once more and everything fell to darkness again.

 

The next time Shepard awoke all sense of what was going on around her was eclipsed by the pain. A twitch of her finger would send a wave of pain through her whole arm and the shallow breaths she took caused her chest to ache.

Her vision focused in front of her, and she could see her arm, thrusted out in front of her. Her stomach lurched as she saw that parts of her armour had melted into her arm. Lowering her gaze she could see that across her lower body a metal beam had her pinned to the ground.

A desperate panic began to fill Shepard.

_The Reapers. I have to get to the beam._

Every muscle and tendon of Shepard’s screamed as she scrambled as quickly as she could out from underneath the rubbled that surrounded her.

Stumbling forward through the wreckage Shepard could hear murmurs and the sound of metal scraping against metal. She felt as if her entire world was a blur, unable to focus on her surroundings she slowly inched forward, trying to support her body that shook more and more violently each step she moved forward.

As she climbed over what had once been a large metal support beam, her foot caught on it and she was abruptly thrown her forward onto the ground with a loud bang. Shepard could barely think for the waves of pain traveling through her body.

_“What was that?”_

Shepard’s head felt heavy as she tried to push herself upward to no avail.

_“It came from over here.”_

Shepard vision had begun to going black. Each breath became harder than the last.

_“We’ve got another body.”_

_Damn._

_“She was barely breathing when we found her. She’s been stabilized but it’s hard to know when she’ll wake up. Or if she will. For now keep her under…_

_Shepard,_ the voice whispered _, Wake up._

Shepard was back underwater…back in Leviathans grotto. But this time as hard as she searched she could not find him.

_Shepard-Commander._

Shepard opened her mouth to yell out into the darkness but her mouth quickly filled with water, she was no longer in the diving Atlas. She was floating down in the dark, the water filling her mouth and then her lungs.

_Someone else might have gotten it wrong._

Drowning in the dark soon turned into suffocating in the dark as she floated through nothing, with Alchera far below.

_That won’t happen. I’ll see you commander when we all get back._

She was back in the forest, but this time the shadowy figures pressed in close, restricting her movements, blocking her escape.

_What have you come up with Shepard?_

The figures began to close in on her, their hands grabbing at Shepard, her hair sliding through their hands as they held her in place.

_Shepard what do we do now?_

S _hepard. Wake. Up._


	2. Chapter 2

_We’ve had promising signs of brain activity. However, she’s not completely out of the woods yet. Most of her cybernetics implants were in order and already expediting the healing process, but most of the healing of her body needs to do is completely down to her organic material. And that will take time.”_

 

Shepard was lying in a deep, warm bathtub. She couldn’t remember the last time that she had taken a bath, let alone relaxed in one. The dark water flowed over her limbs as Shepard washed herself.

_Shepard._

The voice came from everywhere and nowhere. Searching in the darkness around her for the source Shepard realized she was back in the forest, and when she looked down her stomached dropped. The water had turn to blood and she jolted forward, attempting to scrabble out of the tub.

Instead, Shepard found herself no longer in the forest, but surrounded by a sea of red, thrashing and screaming into the dark as she slowly slipped down down, choking and spluttering on the blood.

 

_Shepard_.

There was near complete silence except for a quiet buzzing in the background. Shepard felt like her eyes had been glued together as she struggled to keep them open, taking in the dim room around her. 

Shepard slowly took stock of her surrounding, her heart beginning to pound in her chest as she struggled to sit up. Gritting her teeth at the pain, Shepard ripped at the tethers attached to her arms and her head.

Shepard shuffled her way to the edge of the bed, her legs almost too weak to support her weight. 

Once steady, Shepard took stock of herself, noticing the way the world had a slight tilt to it and that she was nearly naked except for a thin cotton shift that reached her knees. 

Taking a few steps forward Shepard felt the world shift even more, expecting at any moment the dark room would morph into the forest, and this time there was no armour to protect her from the hands that reached. 

With one more step Shepard felt the world pitch forward, and fell to one knee, gripping onto the end of the bed Shepard felt like the entire universe came down to the pain that drove in waves through her body. 

"Shepard!" the familiar dual tones broke through the pain as she looked up to see Garrus Vakarian. He stood above her, his face mostly shadowed in the darkness, but there was no mistaking the turian who stood in front of her.

The right side of his face was slightly illuminated in the light coming from the doorway, the distinctive scars highlighted. Shepard could remember holding Garrus in her arms for the first time, his face a bloody mess, the sounds of him sputtering on his own blood as she yelled for Miranda and Jacob to help.

Garrus crossed over the room in two large strides and grabbed Shepard around the waist, quickly lifting her upwards. His hands nearly closed all the way around her waist and Shepard felt as if she was being suspended by a china doll stand.

"Garrus," Shepard croaked out, her throat felt raw, as if she had been screaming for hours, "The Reapers-"

"Are gone, destroyed." Garrus held her tightly to his chest. She could hear his heart beat in his chest through his thin shirt. He smelt exactly how she remembered and her head fit perfectly under his chin.

_I'm crying_ , Shepard realized as her body convulsed and she was soon sobbing into Garrus' chest, as he held her even tighter in his arms. 

"Over?" She felt her body go limp underneath her. The last three years Shepard had been relentlessly fighting against the force that threatened everything she valued, everything she loved. For it to be over… _I’m dreaming or I’m dead._

Garrus helped her back onto the bed. He pulled up the blanket over her body and after lying her down in such an intimate and gentle way, Shepard mused that if this was death, she could be content.

Holding his hand to the side of her face, the gentle pressure of his talons against her cheek distracting her from every ache and pain that ripped through her body at the slightest twitch. Garrus’ blue eyes held hers as he whispered “Over."

Garrus pulled back slightly, but Shepard clung on to his hand, for if this was a dream, she never wanted it to end.

"Please get some rest Shepard. You need more rest.”

“Garrus, just…don’t leave okay?” Shepard practically breathed out, she could feel her heartbeat slowing and her eyes falling shut again, she had over exerted herself in these last few moments and could feel the world fading away.

“I won’t. I promise.” Garrus’s mantibles flared in a slight smile.

As Shepard’s world faded to black she swore she heard Garrus say “Spirits don’t take her away from me.”

 

_“We hadn’t expected her to wake so soon. The nerve damage to her legs was extensive, but I believe it’s a good sign that she was able to stand, even for that short amount of time. We’re going to try to keep her under, but she’s built up quite the resistance to medication. There’s another matter to discuss if you would please…”_


	3. Chapter 3

_Wake up Commander._

The familiar voice of Miranda Lawson echoed, and Shepard found herself back on the cold metal slab in the Cerberus facility. Jumping up from the table Shepard found that this time no one had thought to dress her. Visible cybernetics wound up her legs and arms, disappearing under the thin shift.

_Shepard do you hear me? Get out of that bed now - this facility is under attack._

Scanning the room Shepard searched for the locker of armour and weapons, but the room had been stripped, everything that hadn’t been bolted down had been taken. A sense of dread began to fill Shepard.

_Shepard your scars aren’t healed, but I need you to get moving, this facility is under attack._

Shepard dropped to her knees, searching for a floor safe, a way out, anything. Explosions echoed through her mind and her heartbeat pounded in her ears. Shepard heard gunfire from just outside the room.

_There’s a pistol in the locker on the other side of the room. Hurry!_

_“_ Where? Miranda! TELL ME WHERE!” Shepard screamed as the door slide open.

The telltale blur of a Phantom slide into the room and Shepard had nothing to defend herself with.

The Phantom flew towards Shepard with inhuman speed and faster than Shepard could react, she felt the sword pierce her abdomen and pass through her body. Shepard could feel the blood pouring out of her, pooling at her feet.

 

_“She’s so cold.”_

_“I think that’s just a human thing.”_

_“I’d suppose you’d know best.”_

 

Shepard struggled forward, trying not to look down at where she knew she would be able to see what the Phantom’s blade had revealed, a mess of cybernetics and organic matter. Organic matter that should be inside Shepard.

Passing through the door that the Phantom came from Shepard found herself in a strange structure, the walls adjusting themselves around her as she struggled across a catwalk, leaving bloody footprints behind her. A strange sense of déja vu filled Shepard, even though she could not think of when she would have been here before.

Ahead of her the path began to incline and Shepard slowed to a crawl, using her hands to drag her body forward. The shift Shepard was wearing had been soaked and clung to her body, dark with her own blood.

Before her the path opened into a circular room, and ahead, a familiar shape began to flicker into existence. Captain Anderson stood before a console, fumbling, frustrated.

Forcing herself onto her feet Shepard stepped towards him.

“Anderson!”

_Shepard, I can’t-_

Stumbling away from the console, Shepard felt as if her entire world was crumbling as she saw the fear in Anderson’s eyes. This wasn’t suppose to be happening. The Reapers were suppose to be dead-Garrus told her.

_I underestimated you Shepard._ The figure that was Anderson flickered into the Illusive Man, but something was off. His face had been blackened, blue implants glowing underneath the burns.

“What have-“

_I warned you. Control is the means to survival. Control of the Reapers, and of you if necessary._

Shepard could hardly pay attention to what the Illusive Man was saying. She felt paralyzed by fear. Unable to move as she felt the blood that was beginning to dry on her legs and under her feet itch. She could hear important things being said to her and she could feel her mouth responding but retained nothing of the conversation. She couldn’t tell if she was talking to Anderson or the Illusive Man, couldn’t tell if she was saying the right thing.

_Let this nightmare end, please,_ Shepard begged anyone who could listen.

The figured flickered into Anderson, who drew his gun and held it to his head. Shepard tried to move but she couldn’t, she was too slow, too injured. Just as Shepard began to cry out, The Illusive Man took Anderson’s place.

_I tried Shepard._ Pulling the trigger, the Illusive Man disintegrated into fine fiery flakes in the air, much as the vessels of Harbinger who tormented Shepard so ruthlessly would, although this time Shepard could find no satisfaction in the deterioration before her, a feeling low in her stomach made her wonder if she had done it right.

Falling to her knees she found herself beside Anderson, reclining slightly as the opening arms of the Citadel cast light on his aged face. 

_It’s uh, quite a view._ Shepard turned towards the old solider, watching his face carefully, unsure if this Anderson would disappear as well.

“…Best seats in the house.”

_…God…feels like years since I just…sat down._ Shepard had to laugh, her head was spinning and she could no longer feel her legs.

“…Think you earned a rest.”

_You ever wonder how things would have been different, how our lives would be different if this hadn’t happened…I never had a family Shepard…never had children…_ His words passed over Shepard like water and she felt as if time was slowing, time slowing until the Reapers would be gone for good.

“…They’ll be time enough for that now.”

_I-I think that ship has sailed…What about you? Ever think about settling down?_

Before her the image of baby with bright blue eyes flickered in her arms. _Just like her father_. The child felt so warm, but before Shepard had the chance to inspect her tiny hands she felt the figures grab again, ripping her away, tearing at her face.

“Yeah. I like the sound of that…not sure I’d be much good at it though.”

_Sure you would. I think you’d make a great mother._ A feeling of panic began to fill Shepard. Something was wrong.

“…Uh-huh.”

_Think how proud your kids would be, telling everyone their…their mom is Commander Shepard…_ It was becoming harder to breathe, harder to think, the feeling of pins and needles began to buzz over Shepard’s whole body.

“…I don’t know about that…not everything I’ve done is something to be proud of…”

_I’m proud of you. You did good child. You did good._

Anderson’s final words echoed through the space around her as Shepard’s world once again went dark.

 

_“Oh Goddess…I need back up in the bunker now! Get the doctor, now! Shepard…Shepard!”_

 


	4. Chapter 4

Floating through the darkness Shepard felt at peace. Before her an occasional star would twinkle, sending the message out to the galaxy that it was there, that they were not alone. A note rang through the air, causing her ears to ring.

Her ears rang louder and louder and the stars in her eyes flickered more and more frantically, flashing different colours, until suddenly nothing.

 

_“She’s not breathing!”_

_“Lock down the bunker no one gets in or out!”_

_“Don’t you dare let her die Vakarian.”_

 

In the darkness a star began to grow larger and larger, glowing brighter and brighter burning away the darkness until Shepard was surrounded by the light.

_Wake up._

 

Shepard gasped for breath, her heart pounding, her hands wildly grasping at the sheets under her. The light too bright for Shepard to focus on what was before her, she struggled to cry out, but nothing came out.

Shepard scrambled to sit up, fighting off the hands that she felt grab at her shoulders, arms trying to hold her down as she flailed.

“Shepard-Shepard! You’re okay-Shepard!” The familiar face of Liara swam in Shepard’s vision. She looked tired, worried, and frantic, her mouth set in a thin line. Shepard could smell the familiar scent of discharged thermal clips. Shepard scanned the room quickly. She was still wearing the thin shift, but the room was different this time, smaller, with low ceilings.

“Shepard, look at me please.” Liara’s blue eyes locked onto Shepard’s. “Shepard, please stay with me.”

Looking down Shepard realized that Liara had pinned her arms to her side, and was pushing her down to the bed. Breathing deeply in she tried to lower the heartbeat that was pounding through her body using the breathing exercise that she had learned so long ago.

_Breathe in…two…three…four_

The sounds of muffled shouting followed by two gun shots came from outside.

_Breathe out…two…three…four_

“Shepard, do you know who I am?”

_Do I know who you are?_ As if Shepard could ever forget the asari who had saved her life in a million different ways, who had pulled her corpse out of the wreck of the Normandy SR-1. How could Shepard forget the look on Liara’s face as she watched Thessia burn. But she could barely rasp out Liara’s name, she felt like she had swallowed glass.

Liara relaxed and let go of Shepard’s arms.

“Garrus tell me what’s going on.” Liara spoke into her omni tool.

“Bunker’s clear. Don’t know what resistance is going to be outside, but I’ve contacted Admiral Hackett, we’ve got a team coming our way we just need to hold on until they get here.” Garrus’s voice over the com sent a jolt through Shepard, a mix of relief at his safety and stomach dropping fear at the words.

“What’s happened?” Shepard whispered to Liara who had dropped her ear to Shepard’s mouth at her beckon.

“I’m not quite sure myself, but it seems clear that indoctrination didn’t end with the destruction of the   Reapers. We had moved you to this bunker while you…slept, fearing something like this would happen but none of us anticipated an attack on this level.” Liara moved away from Shepard and her focused shifted back onto the room, and more specifically the bodies lying on the floor that she hadn’t noticed.

They seemed almost peaceful, lying across their arms, backs to Shepard, except for the dark red stain that creeped out from underneath them. 

“I’m bringing Shepard to the exit, meet us there.” Liara grabbed a pistol that lay by a body and handed it to Shepard. 

"Just incase." she told Shepard as she pressed the compact gun in to her hand.

Shepard's inspection of the pistol was distracted by the state of her hands. They were bandaged, scabbed, and scarred, and she could barely bend her fingers to hold onto the gun. Shepard felt the panic begin to rise again, heart rate increasing. 

"Shepard," Liara moved back towards Shepard, pulling her arm around her shoulder, "Put your weight on me, you're not going to be able to walk very well yet so just focus on me."

Liara had pulled Shepard up from the bed, arm around her waist. Shepard's legs felt like jelly and she tried to flex her toes to bring some feeling back to her lower extremities. Liara lead Shepard to the corridor, no small feat as Shepard was not exactly petite at five feet eight inches and near hundred and fifty pounds of muscle.

More bodies littered the narrow hallway, both men and women all with a variation of states of weapons and armours. Whatever assault this group had tried to pull off it was unorganized and and badly planned. _But they still had a better chance than I do now,_ Shepard, who could barely hold a gun with her shaking hands, thought bitterly.

“Just a few more feet…” Liara quietly reassured Shepard. Her legs were wobbling and each step that she managed to take forward felt more difficult than the last.

Moving around the corner Shepard first saw James Vega, ear to the door of the complex Liara had just dragged her through. Hearing their footsteps James turned quickly raising his shotgun before his face spilt into a huge smile.

“Shepard! Finally awake huh?” James moved towards them, reaching to help Liara by taking Shepard’s other arm. “You’re looking rough, Commander.”

Shepard opened her mouth to snark back at James, but with her sore throat and the way the world shifted underneath her she doubted the power of her words.

“If you don’t mind Vega, I’ll take it from here.” Garrus’s voice came from behind her, filling Shepard with warmth. She felt the world had come down on top of her and yet both of them made it out. Flashes of crawling through rumble came back to Shepard, dust in the air and one thought in her head, _There’s no Shepard without Vakarian._

Garrus gently helped Liara shift Shepard’s weight off of her. He was so much taller than her that he bent nearly completely over in order to wrap her arm around his shoulder.

“Shepard.” Garrus’s voice was low, his eyes telling Shepard everything he left unsaid. 

“ETA is five minutes for e-vac. We just have to hold out until then.” James announced as Garrus helped Shepard take a seat behind a crate that had been strategically shifted near the door.

“And hope that who ever is outside won’t try to get in here in the mean time.” Liara responded before returning to her attention to her omni tool.

“How are you feeling?” Garrus squatted beside Shepard, his face closed with concern.

“Like I was run over by a Reaper.” Shepard managed barely more than a whisper.

Garrus chuckled darkly as he tucked some of her hair behind her ear with a gentleness that always surprised her.

“Ha. Hrm. Well, most of your injuries are from being hit by a Reaper beam.”

Shepard moaned and leaned her head against the crate at the blurry memory of running for the beam, ducking and dodging cars and people, but she wasn’t quick enough that time. The pain eclipse the rest of the memory, the sound of her armour cracking and the smell of skin burning.

Garrus gently brought his hand to Shepard’s face, his talon’s light pressure on her cheek bringing Shepard’s gaze back to him.

“Shepard I-It’s-That got too close…so the next time you walk into hell, take me with you.”

“Garrus…I’m not going to leave you alone ever again.” Shepard often felt like she was saying the wrong thing, either pushing someone away or giving them too much, over burdening them. Her words fumbled in her mouth so often she knew she didn’t sound sincere even when she met the words with all her heart. Garrus was just as awkward at times, but he would somehow know exactly what needed to be heard. Shepard had never felt as safe or as loved in any other relationship. And now, Shepard knew, that even if she didn’t say the right thing, or didn’t sound sincere enough, Garrus would understand, and would know.

A loud bang on the door interrupted the moment abruptly, Garrus jumping up and spinning towards the door, and in a quick move grabbing his sniper rifle.

“They’re trying to break the door!” Liara yelled over the loud pounding on the door.

“Well it just needs to hold for a few more minutes!” Vega added.

“Defensive positions!” Garrus yelled, directing Liara and Vega to cover. Shepard tried to focus on holding the gun that had loosely laid in her hand. Taking it in both hands she raised it and tried to focus on  on a blood smear on the wall down the hallway she had just come from. It was a fairly large target but Shepard couldn’t keep her hand steady enough. Frustrated, she dropped her arm and tried to position herself behind the crate to be able to protect herself if necessary.

The banging stopped for a moment and time seemed to slow, Garrus jumped back over the crate Shepard was leaning against, nearly knocking her over, only to throw her to the ground, holding himself over her as the blast threw pieces of the room over and around.

Shepard hit the ground with a jolt and could feel her head spinning and her ribs aching. The assailants outside had breeched the door and the sound of gun fire filled the room. Her ears rang as Garrus lifted his weight off her, taking position behind what was left of the toppled crate.

“Shepard stay down!” Garrus yelled as he began to pick off the closest infiltrators. _No problem_ , Shepard thought as she struggled to sit up again. The familiar throb of a cracked rib would have been barely anything to acknowledge on a normal day, but in her current state, it sent waves of pain through her each time she took a breath.

“E-vac incoming!” James shouted over the gun fire. There seemed to be a break in gun fire, had the reinforcements managed to confuse the assailants?

“Garrus! Take Shepard to the shuttle! We’ll cover you.” Shepard had managed to prop herself and made eye contact with Liara, who gave her a slight nod before moving forward out of cover.

Garrus switched out his sniper rifle for his assault rifle and moved to Shepard, helping her to a standing position and supporting her slow shuffle for the door.

Moving outside, the low light told Shepard that it was either very early or late, the sun beginning to set or rise. Rubble surrounded what had once been the door to the complex but was now a hole in the wall. Liara and James were about seven feet in front of Garrus and Shepard, moving towards a familiar Alliance shuttle much like the one that had evacuated Shepard out of many sticky situations. 

The occasional bullet would fly by Shepard, who was being expertly maneuvered through the uneven path by Garrus. They were just about they were closing in on the shuttle, twenty feet, fifteen feet, only ten feet away when she stumbled, her legs sliding out from underneath her, nearly slipping from Garrus’s grasp. 

Instead of helping her back into a standing position Garrus quickly slide his arm under Shepard’s legs before she collapsed to the ground completely, quickly shifting her into his arms before breaking into a full run. Shepard’s hand fumbled with the gun she held and it fell to the ground, left behind in the rubble and dirt.

Shepard could see the ruined roofs of buildings against the orange sky. Holes in walls and whole floors missing off the tops of the complexes, but it looked like rebuilding had started, planks across the smaller holes and scaffolding up the sides of buildings.

Reaching the shuttle, Shepard’s view of the skyline was interrupted by the smooth metal of the roof of the vehicle. Garrus quickly placed Shepard upright on one of the seats in the shuttle and once her world was righted she realized that the shuttle wasn’t just familiar, but the original Kodiak that had spent months dragging her ass out of the fire. And in the pilot seat, the original pilot.

“Commander Shepard. I’d salut but it’s best we get out of here first.” Steve Cortez flashed a small smile at Shepard over his shoulder as he maneuvered the Kodiak away. _Steve Cortez. James Vega. Liara T’soni. Garrus Vakarian. There might be more._ Shepard though of all those she had lost and the ones that she was afraid she had lost. She didn’t even want to ask where the rest of her crew was in fear of the answer.

Shepard examined the team that was in front of her. Liara and James stood in front of Shepard, both looking exhausted, as Garrus sat beside her, his gaze focused on her. Shepard felt exhausted, her eyelids falling closed. A sense of normality had sunk in after reaching the Kodiak, maybe they were just heading to another fetch mission on another planet, until Shepard looked down to see she wasn’t even wearing shoes.

“Hey.” Garrus said quietly when Shepard turned her head towards him.

“Hi.” Shepard breathed out, her ribs still aching, and her legs still numb, but content for now that this was real and that everything was okay.

Sighing, Shepard leaned her head back against the wall, her companions voices floating in an out.

_“We should be able to keep the next safe house locked down a little tighter.”_

_“Where are we headed?”_

_“Back to the Normandy.”_

 

_Back Home._


	5. Chapter 5

Shepard’s eyes were the first thing that she noticed. Dark circles were set deep underneath her green eyes and there was slight bruising around them. Her eyes traveled all over her face, taking inventory of her bandages and fresh scars. Above her left eyebrow a long cut had already scabbed over underneath the plaster that Shepard peeled away. A smaller, but deeper looking cut had been slashed across her right cheek. Peeling off her shift, scabs and future scars gave way to large patches of burned skin that had begun to heal, her hands and lower arms seemed to have taken the worst of it.

Shepard stood naked before the mirror, unwinding the bandages, taking in her body. She looked rough, she had to admit. Her red hair brushed her shoulders, getting in her eyes, and red blistering patches covered her body. But among the new injuries Shepard still recognized pieces of herself, the shape of her belly button, the small birthmark over her left hip, light freckles across her nose. Turning around Shepard tried to look over her shoulder to inspect her back but she couldn’t keep balanced without hanging onto the counter top. Shepard stumbled forward and tried to grab the opposite wall before she hit the floor but couldn’t get any purchase on the wall, sliding down quickly and landing painfully on her knee.

Shepard yelped out in pain, certain she must have been heard by Garrus, who had been her shadow since she had woken up.

_Breathe in…two…three…four…_

“Shepard?” Garrus’s voice was muffled through the door.

_Breathe out…two…three…four…_

In a moment he was there, helping her to her feet, his arms around her leading her to the nearest seat, flipping the toilet cover down before she sat.

“Here…” he said as he grabbed the medi-gel and bandages before gently redressing her wounds. The room was completely silent, the captain’s quarters of the Normandy completely soundproofed from the rest of the ship, one of the left over luxuries from her days as a Cerberus vessel. 

Shepard sat there without saying anything, unsure of what even should be said. Garrus was putting all his focus into smoothing the medi-gel into her burns before carefully wrapping them with the clean, white bandages. 

“I don’t know what I’d do without you.” Shepard murmured.

 

“The mass relay’s are damaged but not irreversibly. In the last month the keepers have made exceptional progress on both the Citadel and the relay’s. It’s a slow progress but everything we’ve lost can be rebuilt.” Admiral Hackett had started with the good news. Shepard shifted in her wheelchair, while technologically impressive, the seat was uncomfortable with very little padding. She had complained about the chair the whole way down to the conference room that the small team of the Normandy had gathered when Admiral Hackett boarded.

Liara, James, and Garrus stood quietly to the side as Admiral Hackett directly addressed Shepard. She had been avoiding asking about the rest of her team, fearing the worst. Each time there was a lull in the conversation she imagined herself asking “Where is Tali?” or “What happened to Grunt?” but each time the sentence died in her mouth as she imagined Liara looking down, her eyes filling with tears, or Garrus softly telling her about their deaths. It was better to live in ignorance for a while longer.

But her first day back on the Normandy was coming to a close. Admiral Hackett was bringing Dr Chakwas aboard tomorrow for Shepard’s medical needs, which meant that Karin was alive and well. The ship had also been all too quiet for EDI’s systems to still be online, which meant that something had gone horribly wrong for the AI. Shepard needed to know what happened.

“We’re using the Normandy as an emergency safe house while we track down those who tried to kill you. They were able to get uncomfortably close, close enough to nearly strangle you to death, so each crew member that will be brought on board will be vetted carefully. We’ve confirmed that most of the attackers were Cerberus operatives but it seems that some were civilians who had become indoctrinated. Hopefully soon we’ll be able to put this mess behind us…”

Shepard took a deep breathe, looking down at her hands, preparing to ask the fate of Admiral David Anderson. Opening her mouth she struggled to think of the words, and in the silence, Admiral Hackett continued talking.

“There is another matter I should let you know about Commander Shepard. Now that the dust is beginning to settle there have been some chatter about your war tribunal resuming.”

Shepard’s head snapped upward. _Un-fucking-believable._

“You’d think saving the universe would be worth something.” Shepard mumbled, her voice still not more than a whisper, silently stewing in rage. To be court-martialled the first time seemed a small inconvenience, a bump in the road to regaining the Alliance’s trust, to no longer be seen as a raving mad woman yelling at anyone who will listen about the Reapers. Now, it seemed like a joke. Shepard had very few regrets, but each failure and each dead body that lay at her feet was another millstone of guilt around her neck. She wouldn’t change a single decision she had made, from Virmire to the Bahak System, she did what had to be done. The only thing that Shepard wished for is that fate could have been kinder, and that the best decision was the easy one every once in a while.

“If it was up to me Shepard I’d give you another Star of Terra and a promotion to Captain. However, the charges brought against you were never officially pardoned so it puts what’s left of the board in a tough position. But for now it’s nothing official, just wanted to keep you updated on the way the wind was blowing. For now, focus on healing.” Admiral Hackett had a way of delivering everything with the same tone, Shepard could barely pick out his praise for her, he could has well been rattling off mission parameters or expressing his disappointment. “Is there anything else?”

“Admiral Anderson.” Shepard blurted out before she could realize what she had said. "Where is he?"

"I was hoping you could tell me, we haven't been able to identify him among the dead recovered from the Citadel but the search is no where near complete.” Admiral Hackett fixed Shepard with an unreadable look in his eye.

"I-I'm not sure Admiral. I'm not certain of anything that happened after I reached the Citadel.” She could see bits and pieces flashing in her head, she could see Anderson’s face flicker into The Illusive Man, but she couldn’t tell what was a dream or what was true.

"I had suspected as much. Admiral Anderson remains missing in action, but given the shape that you were found in, one must assume the worst…”

_You did good child, you did good._

The words echoed in her head, the image of David Anderson looking out onto Earth came to her head…

“You’ve clearly been through something traumatic and I won't push the subject further today...but if you remember, as much of a report as you could give would be extremely welcome." Admiral Hackett gave some parting greetings to her and her companions before leaving. 

The only sound in the room was the humming of the ship. 

Shepard looked over her friends who had stayed so silent during Hackett’s visit. 

James stood with his arms folded across his chest, his shirt straining as always. Liara had her hands clasped behind her back, her face perfectly composed but Shepard could feel the storm brewing underneath. Garrus rang his hands, the hands that only a few hours before had washed the dirt off her feet. 

“What happened?” Shepard broke the silence first.

“What do you mean Shepard?” Liara’s eyebrows furrowed.

“So the Reapers are gone, the Geth are gone…and you are all here. What happened to everyone else?” Shepard braced herself for the answer, twisting her hands together in her lap.

“Oh! I see, of course you wouldn’t know. Most of the team is actually still in London. I’m sure you’ll be able to see all of them soon. Kaidan sent for updates on you everyday. Tali’s also still in London, she nearly left with the fleet when they departed but ended up staying. Wrex and the rest of clan Urdnot returned to Tuchunka about a week ago, including Grunt. Miranda, Jacob, Jack, and Zaeed are also helping with the rebuild effort. Kasumi disappeared around a week ago, I’ve been unable to contact her, but once she hears you’ve woken up I’m sure she’ll contact you. Samara has also moved on, but she left a message for me to pass onto you…” Liara rattled off of the top of her head. It never failed to impress Shepard how much information the Shadow Broker kept in her head. Shepard gave a small smile to her lap, to hear so many had survived was more than she could wish for.

“Javik is missing however…I’m certain he hasn’t left Earth, but there have been no reports of a wandering Prothean anywhere…” Liara quickly checked her omnitool, perhaps checking if there had been an update in the last fifteen minutes that she had missed. Shepard’s stomach dropped as she remembered the last conversation she had with Javik, _We may never see him again Liara_. The words hovered in the back of Shepard’s mind, unable to burden Liara.

“What about…Joker and EDI?” Shepard asked, dreading the answer. The silence of the Normandy spoke for it’s self, but Shepard couldn’t just assume what had happened.

The sound of the door sliding open interrupted Liara who had opened her mouth to respond, all of them turning to look at the new arrivals.

“Reporting for duty, Shepard.”

 

“The ship just wouldn’t feel right without Joker and EDI at the helm…” Shepard sat on the couch in her quarters with Garrus. There wasn’t much for Garrus to eat on the Normandy, but James had kindly offered to bring what he could whip up in the mess up to Shepard’s quarters. Garrus draped his arm around her shoulders after leaning back from his plate. “Although it’s strange that she’s separated from the Normandy now.”

“After crash landing it took almost a week to figure out what had happened to EDI. Without her in our systems we couldn’t even get the Normandy repaired. No comm’s were functioning either it was hell to wonder what had happened…” Garrus trailed off, before clearing his throat and continuing. “We’ve all got Tali to thank for bringing EDI back to us, even if she’s confined to the ‘mobile unit’ now. EDI seemed a little bitter about that at first, but I think she’ll get used to it.” Garrus was rubbing his thumb in soothing circles on Shepard’s arm, distracting her from the aches and pains that throbbed through her body, no matter the amount of medi-gel she applied.

“Yeah she seemed kind of upset about her ‘current processing power’…at least now we don’t have to worry about EDI listening in…” Shepard tucked her head under Garrus’ chin, breathing in his smell, the slight smell of spices on his skin, the smell of home. There was a million things that they probably should talk about, Garrus’ had drily joked to Joker that they take the Normandy and run so they all weren’t tried for war crimes, an idea that was only a joke for how expensive fuel and eezo was these days. They wouldn’t make it to another system even if they pooled all their resources. Not until the mass relay’s were functional anyway.

Shepard and Garrus stayed like that for some time, Shepard feeling the rise and fall of Garrus’s chest under her head lulling her to sleep. Shepard felt like a lifetime had past in only one day, _Although shouldn’t I be used to waking up in the middle of an attack by now?_

“Shepard?” Garrus’ dual tones vibrated in Shepard’s ear. She could listen to him speak about anything, the way his voice flowed over words like honey. 

“Hmm?”

“I think it’s time to get you in bed.” Shepard snorted a little as she felt Garrus flitch at his words. “I mean you probably want to sleep.”

“That sounds like a good idea.” Shepard mumbled, her eyelids heavy. Untangling themselves from each other, Garrus wrapped Shepard’s arms around his neck before picking her up and moving her the few feet to her bed.

“I could get used to this.” Shepard said as Garrus moved to pull the covers over her.

“Please don’t. You’re not that easy to carry.” Shepard had closed her eyes but could practically feel Garrus’ mandibles flare in a smile.

“Don’t be rude.” Shepard opened her eyes to see Garrus moving towards the coffee table, reaching for their dishes.

“Garrus.” He turned instantly at her call and made a motion to move towards her side before making eye contact, stopping him in his tracks.

Shepard was struck by how handsome Garrus was, his blue civvies matching his face paint. Garrus might not have had a “human fetish” but she had grown to appreciate the turian in front of her, his piercing blue eyes, the rough feeling of his scars under her fingertips. Without his armour he seemed so lanky, and standing nearly a foot taller than her in bare feet, he towered over her. Shepard had never thought that she’d find someone she’d want to spend her life with, in all her previous relationships ending in a mess of trust issues, but with Garrus it was so simple. She had never “fraternized” when with the Alliance, any lustful feelings easily faded after a conversation or two with the object of her desire, but now she could understand why it happened. On the battlefield Garrus and Shepard knew, almost instinctually, the other’s movements. He was her best friend, and he had saved her life thousands of times. There truly would be no Shepard without Vakarian.

“Will you stay with me? Just…lie here with me for a while?” Shepard’s voice was thick with emotion, she couldn’t bear to let him leave. After their evenings together on the Normandy Garrus would always disappear by the time she woke up, and she didn’t want that to happen again. “You can sleep here…if you want.”

Garrus nodded and reached to unbutton his tunic and kick off his shoes. Shepard’s eyes fell closed again until she felt him slide under the covers and lie beside her.

Shepard shifted until she was looking into his blue eyes. He looked strangely naked without his visor, it was a rare occurrence to seem him without it. Garrus ran a talon lightly over her cheek. They lay in silence until Garrus quietly spoke.

“Shepard, I’m sorry-that you had to go through that. I should have known better, seen the signs of indoctrination more clearly…” Garrus moved his hand down from her face to take Shepard’s hand in his and hold it to his chest. “I promise that next time a doctor wants to keep you in a drug-induced coma they’ll be interrogated. Throughly.” Garrus had a hard look in his eye. _He’s really disappointed in himself,_ Shepard realized. 

“Garrus I…I love you.” She wanted to say that it wasn’t his fault, that it was over now and everything was fine, but Shepard could barely string together a full sentence without fading out.

“I love you too, Shepard.”


	6. Chapter 6

The ground felt cool underneath Shepard’s cheek. She felt a vibration underneath her, the buzzing sending jolts of pain through her body. Her breath was shallow and each time she breathed in her chest felt like each of her ribs had shattered in her chest cavity.

_Wake up._

Above her stood a shimmering image of a child, and behind them, Earth burned. Flames were burning across the land and the oceans shrank. Earth became a wasteland before her eyes, a red wave pulsing out from the planet below her.

The child looked blankly at her until the pulses of red light were blocked by the Reapers who covered the entire Earth and the world was plunged into the darkness.

 

“So to recap, possibly thousands of people might soon try to kill Shepard _again_ , we’re trapped in dry dock for the foreseeable future, and we all might be charged with war crimes? Fantastic.” Joker buried his head in his arms on the conference room table. The rest of the crew that was still in London had assembled at the Alliance docks that morning. They didn’t have quite enough personnel to run a functional frigate with EDI no longer able to control multiple systems of the Normandy at a time, and each of them seemed at a loss for what their next move should be. 

“It seems, for the moment, our only choice is to wait.” Tali spoke into the silence from her position to Shepard’s left.

“Like hell it is! Shepard’s still a Spectre! The Council could get the charges pardoned.” James was pacing along the far wall, nearly shaking with anger.

“Except that the Council is losing influence by the day, any demand might not be taken seriously until…” Shepard’s head snapped up at Kaiden’s words.

“You’ve got to be kidding me. What else did I miss?” The Council had been the seat of galactic power for thousands of years. No matter what world burned they were always there to tell Shepard that despite everything they couldn’t help her. To imagine the power of the Council was fading was nearly impossible.

“I’m sorry Shepard, we should have told you before but with so much happening…” Liara trailed off before clearing her throat. “With the mass relay’s out of commission there has been no way to move the Citadel back to the Serpent Nebula, so naturally many species were worried about humans seizing power of galactic government and have instead pressured the Council to dissolve and implement a Senate instead. It’s hard to say whether the Senate will continue the Spectres or if they’ll-“

“Disavow us all together.” Shepard finished, her face twisting into a grimace. She was at a loss for what to do. If she truly wanted to run then this was as good of an opportunity as they would have to commandeer the Normandy. If they could make it to another star system she might have a chance, but they simply didn’t have the resources to get to another system without the relays. All the credits that Shepard had saved over the past few years had been completely sank into the war, she hardly had a credit to her name and, as far as she knew, no one else on her crew was doing much better. 

“For now, we wait.”

“But Shepard-“ 

“I don’t like it either James, but for now the Alliance is protecting us and I don’t see a reason to throw that back in their faces.” The Alliance had given her everything since she enlisted. Shepard had no family left and she dared not think what her fate would have been if she hadn’t joined the military. It was one of the reasons she didn’t fight her imprisonment the first time.

“May I also remind you that the Commander is in no shape to fight her way across the galaxy, for now she must have a chance to heal.” Dr Chakwas added.

Shepard’s mouth twitched in annoyance, it wasn’t easy to forget the throb that passed through her body every time she so much as twitched a finger but she’d come back from worse. _I could if I had to…_

Around the table her companions shifted in the silence. Garrus stood to her left, he’d been particularly quiet in the meeting, but every time Shepard so much as shifted in her chair his hand would twitch towards her. EDI stood behind Joker who had demanded he sit by Shepard to “support the handicapped.” The rest of them stood or leaned against the conference room table, that not so long ago held important leaders from across the galaxy discussing the cure for the genophage. 

“I would understand if anyone want to get off world before things go south…you’ve all got lives outside of the Normandy, outside of me. I can’t make you stay…but I would really-“ Shepard choked, she was surprised at her own display of emotion. Over the years she had mastered bottling it up and only letting herself cry when she was alone, to the point that Shepard knew she seemed cold or sounded too casual, but she didn’t know anything else. _Damn medication._

“I don’t know about the rest of you,” Garrus said. “But even a Reaper couldn’t convince me to leave Shepard now.” Shepard kept her eyes trained forward, knowing if she looked at Garrus she might lose her composure.

“Shepard, I think I can speak for us all when I say that without you none of us would have survived the last few years. Let us do something for you.” Tali said.

Each of her friends nodded or murmured their agreement. Shepard’s throat felt thick and she felt at a loss for words. The crew of the Normandy had become her family, and as she looked at each of her crew mates, squad members, friend’s eyes and she could the honesty in their eyes. She let out a slight breath, unable to construct a sentence.

“We broke Shepard you guys.” Laughs broke out at Joker’s comment. It was a shocking sound, the short laughs of her companions. The Reaper War had took so much out of them, Shepard couldn’t remember the last time she had heard her some of them genuinely laugh.

“Dismissed.” Shepard said warmly to the group, who began to file out.

“Shepard,” EDI moved to Shepard’s side. “May we talk?”

“Of course EDI.” Shepard nodded towards Garrus who followed Tali out of the room, shutting the door behind them.

“Shepard, all evidence says that the energy released by the Crucible was meant to destroy all synthetic life. All geth have been destroyed in addition to the Reapers and their ground troops.” EDI was speaking slowly, contemplating every word. “And if it wasn’t for Tali, I would have ceased to exist as well.”

“It was a close one for both of us EDI, but it was worth it.” EDI’s grey eyes showed the most emotion, narrowing as she took in Shepard’s words.

“That is what I’m considering Shepard. I’ve been severed from the Normandy, and by extension most of my processing power. I can no longer run the Normandy up to parr…I feel…emptier.” Shepard had been so happy to see EDI and Joker again the day before that she hadn’t even considered the trauma EDI would feel as a repercussion. 

“Of course…you’ve lost a piece of yourself…I’m sorry EDI.” The apology tumbled out of Shepard’s mouth as guilt welled up in the pit of her stomach, the aching feeling that she had done something wrong.

“I am no longer a valuable addition to the Normandy and-“ EDI shifted, linking her hands behind her back, delivering her message with a passive voice that could have only been forced.

“EDI don’t ever say that. You are integral to the Normandy, and sure, some things might take you longer now but we still need you. Joker needs you.” Shepard didn’t need to hear the rest of the sentence to know whatever EDI was about to suggest was not an option. The EDI was more than just the “voice of the Normandy” or an AI.

“My programming puts value on quantifiable abilities and now confined to this body, lag times have increased immensely.”

“And that’s okay. There is no unshackled AI I would rather have sitting at the helm.”  

EDI stood in silence for a moment, considering.

“Thank you Shepard…Would you like me to help you somewhere now?”

“Don’t worry about me EDI. I’ll be down in the medbay with Dr Chakwas. Time to get prodded.” Shepard grimaced at the thought.

“I could distract her for you.” Despite everything else, EDI’s sense of humour had not changed. 

“Ha. I’ll consider it…Thank EDI.”

 

_Shepard,_

_Even in the far reaches of the galaxy news of our saviour, Commander Shepard, spreads. I am on Thessia, dealing with those who might take advantage during the time of turmoil and many stories of you reach my ear. They say that you walked out of the wreckage of the most devastated part of the Citadel. I hear other rumours too, rumours that more Reapers lurk in dark space, hungry for revenge. There are rumours that the Reapers offered peace and you destroyed them anyway. I look forward to hearing the truth._

_I am not sure if this message will go through, but I wish to thank you Shepard. It is thanks to you that our children will see Thessia recover. The galaxy has been through much in the last year and a half, and has much to heal from. My role as a justicar ends only with my death, but if you need my aid for any reason, I will help you in any way I can._

_You have been a true friend._

_Samara_

 

Shepard had received thousands of messages in the last month. Although her Alliance extranet address was not difficult to to figure out, the vast amount of the messages went directly to her private account. She wondered if the address had become public knowledge somehow. Liara had flagged the ones that Shepard would care to read, but once Shepard had gone through those she began to skim through the rest. There were messages from complete strangers, from people she had saved once, from the families of people that she couldn’t. Some would beg her to save their planet, their colony, their family. 

Shepard typed slowly, her hands still stiff and weak, and began to type a message back to Amalia, the ten year old girl who wanted Shepard to find her parents. She had been evacuated with the other children from Digeris and was now on the Citadel alone. She was scared and she missed her mommy. Reading over her message Shepard began backspacing and retyping, trying to find the right words to say that she couldn’t do anything. 

_And what can I do? Lie to her and say I’ll keep an eye out for them?_ Shepard fought the urge to throw the computer across the room. It wasn’t fair to Amalia and it wasn’t fair to Shepard. There was some things that couldn’t be fixed, no matter how hard you try.

She pushed herself up from the desk and took a steady grip on the wall as she slowly moved down the stairs, her legs still felt numb, but she could stand with support. Two decks below her friends were cooking and eating dinner together. She had begged time alone from Garrus who hadn’t stopped hovering, saying she’d join them in a bit, but she was exhausted. 

Lying down on her bed she looked up through her window, at the grey roof of the docks. She missed the view of the stars, when she couldn’t sleep she would lie on her bed for a few hours, taking in the starlight that shone into her cabin.

Shepard was still struggling with what to do next, for the last three years there had always been some problem to fix, some nightmare come alive to fight, something someone needed from her. But now her only requirement was to wait. Heal and wait. That was the order from Dr. Chakwas.

But Shepard could feel it on the horizon. There were new tensions forming, new problems, but this time she couldn’t do anything about it. She felt like a glass doll, and one wrong move could shatter her into a million pieces that no one would be able to fix this time. She had come back from the dead before, but she had never felt herself hover so closely to the edge. All her old injuries ached with her new ones. She couldn’t even shower by herself, let alone hold a gun. She was the most vulnerable she had ever been and she knew even if she tried to run, she might not make it out alive.

_At least they have medigel in prison._ Shepard thought grimly as her eyelids became heavy and she succumbed to sleep. 


	7. Chapter 7

_Wake up._

Shepard opened her eyes to the glowing child standing above her. Past the apparition she could see a strange structure, glowing red, green, and blue. Before Shepard had the chance to stand up she felt small hands wrap around her neck. Struggling to breathe, she tried to fight it off of her but her hands found nothing to grab onto.

Gasping and flailing, Shepard struggled to fight the child off to no avail. The child into front of her faded and the pressure lifted off of her chest. She faded into the darkness again.

 

 Shepard woke abruptly, her heart beating frantically in her chest. Sometimes she felt as if she could feel the fried cybernetics in her body. Her left ribs ached and her head felt as if it was going to spilt. Once the medigel wore off even holding completely still was agony. She knew Garrus had felt it on a much smaller level, it looked like his damaged jaw had been bothering him by the way he kept flexing it.

Looking over to the man who was sharing her bed, Shepard sighed. Garrus was fast asleep on his stomach, legs hanging over the edge of the bed. _How long had it been since he’d gotten a full nights rest?_

The clock on the side table said it was 0530. That was the time she had usually risen the last time she had had a regular sleeping schedule. While incarcerated they allowed her an hour in the gym each day and she usually tried to fit it in first thing in the morning.Other than the coma, she couldn’t actually recall any time after that she had gotten a full nights rest since then. 

Lying back down she tried again to fall asleep, only managing to drift in and out for a few hours before Garrus woke.

 

“I won’t lie to you Commander, I’m not sure what to do with your cybernetics. They are healing you, but very slowly. If we had the resources that Cerberus did when they originally installed them, we might be able to repair them for you but we simply don’t have the resources. In the mean time the pain medication is the most I can offer you.” Doctor Chakwas had been poking and prodding Shepard since yesterday, but had held off on giving her the complete diagnostic until today. The bulk of it was, they might be able to help Shepard, but resources were spread to thin for the extensive repair to her cybernetics, or even to her hands. Because of the cybernetics that would eventually work to help her once they repaired themselves, it was hard to justify expensive surgery to repair every broken bone and torn muscle in her hands.

“I guess we will just have to wait.” Shepard grimaced as she shifted herself on the table in order to get back into her wheelchair. “And hope that they don’t throw us in prison in the mean time.”

“Shepard, there is not a single one of us on this ship who wouldn’t risk their lives or career for you…and if we needed to get off of Earth we would. Somehow. But Shepard, I know you don’t think of yourself as that injured or that impaired…but not many of us have full death to compare our injuries too. Not many people would have survived what you did…Shepard my recommendation is that you end your career with the Alliance before it ends you. Speak to Admiral Hackett. If you want to stay Alliance for life I’m sure he can find you a desk position for the next fifty years. You’ll hate it, but I can tell you now no doctor will clear you for active duty. Even if you recovered from your injuries completely you’d still have to go through rigorous mental evaluation. If you retire the Alliance might be willing to let you get off world before any trial starts.” Doctor Chakwas held Shepard’s gaze. Karen was a formidable woman whose advice Shepard never had taken lightly. As much as Shepard was pained to admit it, her days with the Alliance were numbered. 

“And if the Batarian’s arrest me anyway?” Shepard knew from the moment that the asteroid crashed into the relay that she’d pay in tenfold for the six extra months she’d stolen from the Reapers. She had done her homework, and knew that the current Batarian Hegemony didn’t have the strength for a full on attack on the Alliance and whatever government system the Batarians had would have been decimated by the Reapers attack on Khar'shan. The Alliance wasn’t worried about a head on attack, they were worried of the Batarian’s signature action against humans, terrorist attacks. Shepard knew better than anyone the rage that the Batarians had against humans. She had watched the Batarian’s roll into Elysium in force and shoot down innocence people in the street before anyone knew what was going on. Shepard witnessed atrocities that daythat haunted her still and she would be dead in her grave before she let it happen again.

“Then you’ll figure out. I know several people who wouldn’t let you rot in a Batarian prison.” Doctor Chakwas slightly shrugged.

Shepard pressed her lips together and blew out her inhale slowly. Karen was right. Karen was always right. As much as Shepard hated the thought of leaving the Alliance, she knew her career in the field was over.

 

“I just don’t know how I’m going to leave the Normandy behind.” Shepard was lying next to Liara on her bed. Liara had managed to run her Shadow Broker network from only her omnitool and the weakest comm connections for the last few months, all she need was a room with a lock in order to keep the galaxy running. Glyph had been fried in the pulse that had brought every piece of technology to a halt, including the entire geth population. A pang of sadness would rock Shepard when she remembered what had happened.

“Maybe you’ll be able to trade it for your Star of Terra. It sounds like you’ll be receiving another one soon, and you don’t really need two.” Liara had a wicked sense of humour which people often missed because of her even delivery. 

“That’s not fair. You can’t spy on communications from the Admiralty Board and only tell me about the good parts.” In the background they had quietly put on an old re-run of a real estate program. This asari and krogan couple were trying to find a place in Thessia’s capital for less than 2000 credits a month. Liara and Shepard had silently agreed to shut out the world for a while, if only for half an hour, pretending Thessia still stood as it did in the program.

“I can tell you the bad parts if you’d like, but I think you already know those.” Shepard could feel Liara looking at her out of her peripherals. 

“I mean, according to Tali the Normandy is still functioning well, sure she needs a little R and R but her service days aren’t over yet.” Shepard ignored Liara’s silent question and continued chattering on about the thing that worried her the least. The Normandy was a prized war vessel. The systems had been fried but she was still a feat of engineering and the last two crews of the Normandy who served had been devoted to the ship. While Engineer Adams, Ken, Gabby, and Samantha had all been whisked away by the Alliance for bigger and better projects in the rebuild, she was certain that while they were still with the Alliance the Normandy wouldn’t be left to collect dust in a museum.

“Only one of us can retire and it’s certainly not going to be the ship.” Shepard gave a short burst of a laugh. She was feeling slightly unbalanced, the pain medication not mixing well with the Asari wine she had been drinking.

“Shepard. How do you actually feel about retiring?”

Shepard tried to shift her position to sit up a bit more, but couldn’t without bending her hands and hurting them.

“Shepard please just stop, sit back.” Liara frantically moved in order to help Shepard change her position. Embarrassed, Shepard tried to wave Liara back, trying to keep a small amount of her dignity.

“I just…never expected my career to end like this. Retiring at thirty-three wasn’t exactly apart of my original career goals…You know it was tough, being a gang rat on Earth, but it was infinitely tougher on my own. The Alliance gave me that same kind of protection and made me feel like I was useful. The Alliance has been my family and my employment for most of my adult life.” On one hand, it was frustrating, but on the other, Shepard was barely one step above bed bound with no swift recovery expected. What could she do?

“Shepard…You’ve more than earned your rest.” 

After a few moments of silence Liara settled back into paying more attention to the screen in front of them. As far as trying to forget reality for a few more moments, this show was a throughout distraction.

 


End file.
